I just have this burning in my chest.
This passion and even, is that anger? rising up in me.
I think it began when I was a teenager.
It sorta goes like this:
(brace yourselves, it ain't daisies and roses.)
What are we thinking?!
Seriously, if you are a Jesus-follower like I am, what are you thinking?
What do I look forward to?
What kind of prayers do I pray?
What do I spend my time doing?
What do I spend my money on?
And what the heck am I doing with all those shirts in my closet? And why the heck do I feel like I need more??
If it is true that we have died to ourselves and have our new life in Jesus, does that really look like this?
Going to a service on Sunday morning?
Giving God 10% of my money?
Maybe even giving God 10% of my time?
And then with the other 90% I can buy the newer refrigerator and a cart full of stuff from the clearance aisle?
With that other 90% I can make myself look good, my house look stunning and my kids look like little GAP models?
And then with the other 90% I can spend my time however I dang want, and what I want is me time? I deserve to relax, I deserve nice nails, an organized house... blah blah blah...
What are we doing?
What am I doing?
If we really believe that this life is only a tiny little blip on the radar of eternity, is this what it looks like?
Something does not settle well at this point for me.
Shouldn't God get everything?
Should't ALL my money, all my time, all my passions, all my energy be used on HIS STUFF, not mine?
Can I really put all that time into caring about my hair or my freaking boots or how we are going to afford to upgrade xyz or how to make my living room more blah blah blah...
It's tough to live here in America. All around us we see stuff. Stuff that winks at us and tells us we don't have enough yet. It's not true. We don't need this stuff. Really, another shade of eye shadow? Another kitchen gaget? This one makes hard boiled eggs that you don't have to peel. Really?
1 Corinthians 4:18 says that "what we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever."
Sometimes my life doesn't mirror that. Sometimes it looks like I'm living for what can be seen here and now. Anyone else? Sometimes I dress like it matters what I look like. Sometimes I talk about money like it matters how comfortable my family can be here and now.
Does anyone else have these uneasy feelings? I know there are others out there that are wading through this stuff too. How do you feel?
I am definitely not at the place I want to be or anywhere near sainthood so don't freak out if I you call me and I'm watching Psych. While painting my nails. Indulging in a bag of sweet potato chips. God has been poking me about this for years and the most recent poke (nudge, elbow in the ribs) came this past summer while reading Radical by David Platt.
More on that next time.