Silent Yelling and My Tool Box

"Mom, there were about 20 different ways you could have handled that."

That is what my 11 year old son said to me. It was early in the morning and I had just told the early risers to go play quietly in their rooms for half an hour. Apparently a difficult request.

Five minutes later, I practically ran up the steps and gave my kids one of those Silent Yelling sessions. Maybe you haven't had one so let me explain what mine look like. 

It's a barely audible rant but I. am. speaking. in. very. short. sentences. 
And I have a severe look in my eye so my kids know they are being yelled at. Their eyes are wide. They look slightly confused. 

And my 11 year old is right. 

I could have handled that 20 better ways.

Returning down stairs I stared at the computer screen and the blog post that I had started to write feels a whole lot like hypocrisy. So I moaned and closed the lid. 

Then I talked to God and then I talked to my kids. I used the words "I'm Sorry" a lot in those conversations. 

And then I read books with them until breakfast time.

What I started to write that morning was something Jesus has been teaching me over the last few weeks. 

One day I sat down with my journal, that good, old, faithful friend. 

I started whining to Jesus about how hard I'm finding my life in this season. I'm asking him: How will I ever find the energy to love and nurture and teach and empower all 6 of these kids?? I'm feeling really weak.

And Jesus brings me this:

     You have what it takes. 

I have given you every tool you need to do the job in front of you.

Every.thing.

If you need it, you've got it!

Whoa. Wow. Everything? Really?

It reminded me of this verse:

In Christ you have been have been made rich in every way...

So you have every gift from God while you wait for Jesus.

1 Corinthians 1:5,7

The week before, if you would have asked me,

Does God ever give you more than you can handle?

I would have snorted and said, Of course not!

And then God took me a step further. Basically, if I believe that, then I have to believe that God has given me every. single. thing. I. need.

I need to hear that often because sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.

The day after Jesus spoke those words to me, he showed me how it works.

It was a little late for dinner prep, but that's exactly what I was doing at 6:15. It had been a long day of handing out extra chores for energy drains, wiping bottoms and stepping on precious art projects. A good, normal day. 

Any mom knows how low energy is running at dinner hour. 

That is when my most tender-hearted bursts in the door with tears on her cheeks. He threw mud at me!

I scraped up enough energy to put my arms around her and thought to myself:

I've got nothing. Nothing. 

I was so empty.

And then the Spirit reminded me of my Tool Box.

And I reached into it and no stinking way!

There was something there!

And I hear these words, to the tune of my own voice:
I know, Sweetie. Do you remember Jesus telling us to show kindness even when people are being unkind to us? It's hard, isn't it? Do you think you could show a little undeserved kindness to your brother right now?

And she stopped crying and nodded.

I stood there, shocked.

Oh, that is what he meant! That's what his provision looks like! His words/my words weren't anything earth shattering. They didn't arrive with sirens, but in whispers that I almost missed.

Whatever situation I find myself in, he has already snuck something useful for that moment into my Tool Box and I just need to remember to grope around in there until I find it.

Which is what I totally didn't do the morning of The Raspy Rant. 

If God said he gives me what I need, than he gives me what I need. I just don't always take it. I have a choice and sometimes, I chose to ignore the Tool he gives me.

So Raspy Rant, I hope to be seeing much less of you.

I am learning to use that sweet Tool Box of mine instead.