Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Deja vu

From Wikipedia:

Déjà vu, from French, literally "already seen"

Yep, I sure did experience that this morning.

After getting the kids to school for their first day...

...I picked up my habit from last fall. (Does doing something for 2 months out of 12 make it a habit?) 

Walking as exercise is sort of enjoyable. To me. Walking as prayer/thinking time is AWEsome! to me.

And as my Nikes followed the familiar back streets surrounding my kid's elementary building, my thoughts followed the familiar paths around my brain.

I am in the. same. spot. as I was last September.

I am still wishing wishing wishing to be matched. Today! Doggoneit!

It could be any day. Just like last year.

Last year I had to keep giving the timing of our adoption to God. And this morning, that's what I found myself doing again.

Because seriously, I was supposed to have babies to take care of. I was not supposed to be alone this school year!

Grouchy. That's the first emotion I feel when I think about this nasty waiting. But I can't stay there. No, that Grouchy Place is no fun. Instead I am moving right along. I'm looking for that Trusting Place. Now that place is fun. It's just under lock and key. Hidden in the very back of the park. Behind a wall of thick bamboo. That's behind a cement wall. That's on the other side of a steaming moat.

It feels hard to get to sometimes. Did you get that?

Some of my morning walk had me beside interesting things: the fairgrounds' garden, the house with a fountain in the yard. But then came the boring. Some of the houses I was seeing were rundown, broken, colorless. And then in the middle of the mundane, I saw these:

(Except they were more red and they had little tiny circles and I had never seen them before. But you get the idea.)

In that moment I felt God tell me,

So I started to look. And yes, parts of the waiting were actually... beautiful? OK, I can go with that.

*Realizing how much I love the 5 kids that live with me now and how blessed I am to spend time with them. Even on days when they fight and whine I realize it beats the alternative, not having them.

*The love of my Sweet and my kids while caring for Baby J. I might never have seen that side of them if it were not for our waiting.

*I got better about carrying my phone with me. 

See, lots of beautifuls are happening. This is me telling myself this.

And for today this whole stinkingly quiet house is rather beautiful too.


  1. I feel the SAME WAY! Last Sept. we were waiting thinking it would be soon. Not making any commitments for the year thinking we would be gone and busy...BUT...here we are STILL WAITING!

    This quote helped me a few weeks ago..."God has perfect timing never early and never late and it takes a little patience and a lot of faith!"

    Maybe we will meet in UG and celebrate NOT WAITING:)

    1. JERBA jungle, are you guys with lifeline??

  2. that would be AWESOME if we were in Ug together!
    it's nice to know that someone else feels the same way. thanks for that. :)

  3. Cari, yes, we are with Lifeline. You must be just ahead of us! I followed your story with baby J and I sat at my computer and cried when you shared your story of seeking God and fasting. What a HUGE week that must have been. It spurred on some great conversations between my hubs and I. We are in the process of updating our homestudy this month.

    Thanks for sharing!