Is that Odd or is that God?

So, as you may be aware of by now,
         the adoption process can be LONG.

We made the decision to adopt 24 months ago.

Which means, our youngest two had just turned 4. We thought it would be nice to have the two newbies be around two years younger than the last two. (Follow that?)

So we requested our CIS (the important government paper) to say we are approved for ages 0-3, since they told us it would be 1 year until we got our babies.

Then God laughed.

Well I don't know for sure what he did but I do know that the past few months my hubby and I talked a lot about changing those ages. 

We sort of went around and around.

Won't we have to reapply for our CIS? Doesn't that takes a month or two. Groan.

Won't we have to redo our homestudy too? Ga-roan. (We have done two already.)

What ages could we say yes too? 

Then the Male Half said, We should change the ages to 0-6.

Then the Female Half said, I don't know if I'm comfortable with 6, but I would be good with 0-5.

And the conversation ended without deciding how exactly we were going to go about this.

The very next day an envelope came in the mail and I ripped it open. It was our CIS renewal that I totally forgot would be coming. Hello!

And this is what it said:

I don't even mind God laughing. He's right, he is funny.

To clarify, we did not request the ages to be changed. Is that Odd or is that God?

We were like Dude! This is awesome! This must be a sign! Let's get our homestudy redone asap!

I flip my giant folder open to find our Homestudy and on the last page I read:

             "approved for ages 0-5."

Apparently our smarty-pants social worker had thought ahead and just approved us for 0-5 just in case. Gotta love that lady.

So this might not seem like a big deal to anyone else but to us it does.

To us it says: God has not forgotten about our family. He is doing something. He has some kiddos he is getting our family ready for.

Odd or God?

I'm going with God!

Deja vu

From Wikipedia:

Déjà vu, from French, literally "already seen"

Yep, I sure did experience that this morning.

After getting the kids to school for their first day...

...I picked up my habit from last fall. (Does doing something for 2 months out of 12 make it a habit?) 

Walking as exercise is sort of enjoyable. To me. Walking as prayer/thinking time is AWEsome! to me.

And as my Nikes followed the familiar back streets surrounding my kid's elementary building, my thoughts followed the familiar paths around my brain.

I am in the. same. spot. as I was last September.

I am still wishing wishing wishing to be matched. Today! Doggoneit!

It could be any day. Just like last year.

Last year I had to keep giving the timing of our adoption to God. And this morning, that's what I found myself doing again.

Because seriously, I was supposed to have babies to take care of. I was not supposed to be alone this school year!

Grouchy. That's the first emotion I feel when I think about this nasty waiting. But I can't stay there. No, that Grouchy Place is no fun. Instead I am moving right along. I'm looking for that Trusting Place. Now that place is fun. It's just under lock and key. Hidden in the very back of the park. Behind a wall of thick bamboo. That's behind a cement wall. That's on the other side of a steaming moat.

It feels hard to get to sometimes. Did you get that?

Some of my morning walk had me beside interesting things: the fairgrounds' garden, the house with a fountain in the yard. But then came the boring. Some of the houses I was seeing were rundown, broken, colorless. And then in the middle of the mundane, I saw these:

(Except they were more red and they had little tiny circles and I had never seen them before. But you get the idea.)

In that moment I felt God tell me,
   
        Look for BEAUTY in UNEXPECTED PLACES.

So I started to look. And yes, parts of the waiting were actually... beautiful? OK, I can go with that.


*Realizing how much I love the 5 kids that live with me now and how blessed I am to spend time with them. Even on days when they fight and whine I realize it beats the alternative, not having them.

*The love of my Sweet and my kids while caring for Baby J. I might never have seen that side of them if it were not for our waiting.

*I got better about carrying my phone with me. 

See, lots of beautifuls are happening. This is me telling myself this.

And for today this whole stinkingly quiet house is rather beautiful too.

The 5K and Adoption

I should have known. After all, I'm only 5"2' and most of that is not legs.

Oh, come on! they say. Anyone can run.

Yeah, if they are being chased by a foaming lunatic grizzly. Technically, I guess anyone with two legs on swiveling hips CAN run.

But should they? 

A friend of mine was like, 
   Hey, I'm training for a 5k with my son. Want to join us?

If she would have just left my son out of it.

But 10 year old boys really do need time with their mothers and so I was sucked in. 

At first the training was fun and I would <seriously> look forward to running in the morning. But then, those were the early weeks of running 60 seconds and then walking for 90. Yes, that was seconds.

Pre-race kiss from Mom

The Big Day came and I didn't do horrible. I guess. 32 minutes was good for me. Or was it 33? I was flaming red, completely wiped out and bummed at myself for not being able to run the whole thing.

But I did it for my son.

And I learned a lot about myself in the process.

Maybe a lot of people would say this about themselves, but I'm more of a sprinter. I know that 3.2 miles is peanuts compared to a marathon, but it sure towers above the 50-yard-dash I remember from middle school.

Lightbulb #1: I'm a good starter. Lots of energy, a smile on my sweaty face. But I usually throw 80% of my energy into the first 20% of the race. 

Lightbulb #2: I hate being bad at things. Actually, it's more like, I hate trying so hard at something and not having much to show for my effort. Maybe I just expect things to come easier.

Lightbulb #3: I'm not very patient. Not really a lightbulb since I already knew that. More like a glaring spotlight. 

Wait. Was I talking about running or adoption? I'm confusing myself.

This is totally and completely me in this adoption process. 

It is very hard to keep up the level of emotional energy I had at the beginning. Is it possible to pace your emotions? 

And putting so much time and effort into something for 21 months and not having much to show for it? This also is hard.

A few years ago I prayed for patience. Seriously, it was one of those things I really told God I was desperate for. I might have even said Whatever you have to do, God. Then he gave me a son who doesn't eat. My guess is that I haven't quite gotten the patience thing down yet. Darn.

But the coolest thing about the 5k was running with Jesus. A few years ago I felt Jesus ask me to run with him. What that meant, I didn't know. But I said yes. With wide eyes. Because when Jesus has a twinkle in his eyes, you know it's going to be interesting. So sometimes when I ran, it was like he was my running partner. That was cool. 

Training for the race seemed so symbolic of my life. The energy it took, where my focus was, how I wanted to finish the race. And Jesus kept saying, "Keep your eyes on me. Don't think about your screaming lungs or your melting Nikes. Think about Me!"

And it was much sweeter when I did. 

Whining? Who me?

Yes, we are still waiting.

Five months ago we got our approval from CSI.

(Jon called me to tell me the approval came in the mail while I was shopping at the Gap outlet mall. And I thought the day couldn't get much better.)

Five months ago we were officially put on the waiting list at Lifeline.

Five. Months.

Last night at our adoption training we met a couple who has been waiting for two years!

We have some dear friends who have been waiting more like 

three years!

Ok, I'm gonna stop whining right now.

So what do we do while we wait?

I have tried sitting by the computer watching my inbox while holding my phone and sneaking quick peeks at it, in case it rang but I didn't hear it.

Those days were long and stressful.

So we are trying to live life normally.

We still celebrate birthdays.

The twins are five! 

We celebrated Daddy's Not Working Today at Jungle Joe's.

(Ya think Daddy was ready for some time off?)

We cheered for our favorite Bulldog.

One of my sweet friends recently had a Word for me.

God needed to remind me that all his gifts are good,

including the gift of time.

So I'm trying to make everyday count.

Studying the Bible with my kids,

working on respect issues,

volunteering in the kid's classrooms,

riding around the fields with my hubby,

trying to keep my soul at rest.

(Geez, that sounds so perfect.

I also read lots of adoption blogs and eat way too much junk food.

Just to balance that out.)

But seriously, if you try to call me with a new number

I might just have a heart attack.

Or at least answer with a breathless "hello?!"

No Trees were Saved

See that big fat binder?

(at least you can't accuse me of being vain)

That binder holds our paperwork. 

The first day we met our social worker, she notes my pitiful recycled-from-the-kids folder, and ducks into the back room. She emerged with this Big Mama. I thought it was a little over the top. 

Then.

Now? It's pretty much full.

I'm thinking we are almost finished with the paper chasing. But at least it gave me something to do towards the adoption.

We are starting our 5th month of waiting.

It's gotta be soon!

Maybe I could use my waiting time to plant some trees because I'm pretty sure we just used a small forest.

Not Stressing, Just Waiting Patiently. Ha!

I've been sorta an emotional mess this past week. Waiting for my babies isn't really a new thing for me. After all, I had to wait for the other 5 for months! With the first one we didn't know if he was gonna be a boy or girl until he squeaked out. He actually didn't squeak or even cry. More like a grunt.


Anyway...


With this paper pregnancy, we are in the dark about the ages and genders which, ask my hubby, is starting to really drive me crazy. I know, I'm supposed to be waiting patiently on God. I AM! Trying.


The difference is... with my first 5 I was there, protecting them, giving them the nutrition they needed through cheeseburgers and vitamins. I fed them, clothed them, protected them, talked to them, all things that I cannot do with my new babies. That just really hit me as sad.


I have no control over their lives. I hope that their little bellies are full of milk and rice and chicken. I hope they have warm mommy arms to hold them and cuddle them. I hope they have a safe and warm place to sleep at night. But it's out of my hands. 


So I'm learning to rest in Jesus.
I pretty much have to remind myself hourly.
I know he loves them.
I know his eye is on them.


I have always loved Psalm 145 and this morning that is where my Bible fell open to.

"He gives food to the hungry...

...He defends the orphans and widows."

My soul finds rest in God alone.

I'm counting on God!

I'm counting on God... I'm counting on God... I'm counting on God... I'm counting on God...